We all know that death is inevitable, so I won’t sit here and write otherwise, but boy doesn’t it suck? It’s a ball of mixed emotions bottled up in your chest, hoping and praying that someone or something can come and take all of the pressure and pain away. Truth is, no one can do that for you. I know because I, too, have experienced infant loss and the aftermath of postpartum depression and trauma.
Sharing our excitement with others, taking cute baby bump photos, planning a baby shower, preparing the baby's room, only to find out all of it was for nothing. Such an excruciating pain that plays over and over in your head like an old vintage film. You just can’t get rid of it, no matter how hard you try. People tell us: it will be okay, it’s all a part of the plan. But what about our plan? What about our pain? Our hurt? None of it goes away, and we’re supposed to stick with the “plan.”
I want to hold my baby, I want to feel normal again, I want to socialize again, and not sit in this dark room…the list goes on. In actuality, all you want is to be heard and understood, instead of the generic response of “it’s going to be okay.” Every day we try to find ways to be distracted, but what about my leaking boobs? How can I ignore the feelings of pain and anger? My chest feels like a ton of bricks have been piled on me, along with the constant headache of grief. The feeling of wanting to smile again. The anxiety of facing friends and family again keeps pressing me into depression. I want to give up, but I can't. Today I don’t want to feel okay, I want to feel better, I want to feel like me, will I ever feel like myself again.
We are left to ponder on all of those things. So today, to any moms out there who are reading this and have been through something similar, this is for you. You will be okay, eventually. I know because I’ve faced many days alone, confined in my dark bedroom with just my memories and the agony of pain. Days where I thought I wouldn’t be able to take back my joy and exude the happiness that I once knew. It didn’t happen overnight, but eventually it did. Be intentional in what you need and want at this very moment. Right now, take a time to reflect and decide on how you will move forward to get back to being YOU.
Lakesha is a Certified Childbirth educator and full spectrum Doula, Community Breastfeeding Educator and much more. She’s an advocate supporting teen pregnancy and assisting moms with breastfeeding by providing evidence-based information. "As a mother of one, I realize how crucial professional care during pregnancy, birth and postpartum period is. I myself have experienced a medicated hospital birth, infant loss, and infertility issues as well. I know what it feels like to be pregnant, and to have the anxiety and fear of the unknown take over. I know the concerns about how to care for the life of a newborn child and how this new addition may change a family dynamic. I know the desire to want to be a perfect mother, and the fear of not knowing everything and wondering "how will I ever learn it all?" I understand all of these concerns, which are absolutely valid–and I want to take the weight of these worries off of your shoulders so that you are not going through this fragile time alone. I truly believe that a quick and successful recovery after birth is possible with the right support and knowledge."